BELIEVE ME - you got this. {Source.}
BELIEVE ME – you got this. {Source.}

New year, new you, new cleanse?! Uh huh, honey. No longer are we relegated to week long juice fasts, or picking at single-serving  macrobiotic meals at home while our friends go out and sip rosè and eat croquettes at happy hour. It’s a new era, babes. One wherein food FOMO is a thing of the past, even while you’re cleansing. While soups, smoothies, and raw vegan fare all have their place in the health and detox worlds, the new generation of food-based cleanses are both doable and delicious. Get at me, pizza and ice cream. I’m pretty much convinced that with enough willpower and creativity, you can turn anything into a detox. Here are five actual half-ridiculous//half-amazing cleanses that you could totally do. This is real life.

1. The ice cream cleanse.

The first sounds-to-good-to-be-true cleanse to ever hit my radar was the mystical ice cream cleanse of 2014. Pioneered by a California-based ice cream shop called Kippy’s, participants were treated to a variety of raw, organic, coconut milk ice creams made specifically for cleansing purposes. Early adopters reported weight loss in excess of 3lbs! But of course, the ice cream in question was semi-healthy–no Moose Tracks or Peanut Butter World. A writer from GQ put his own spin on the system, though, creating a detox using Halo Top low-cal ice cream that got him to the lowest weight he’d been “in years”, so I think it’s pretty safe to assume that you could probably do the same thing with pints of Ben and Jerry’s for similar results, plus or minus a few pounds. 😉

2. The taco cleanse.

Is it just me, or do people seem to be  REALLY passionate about their tacos these days?? To capitalize on this, a group of self-proclaimed “taco scientists” authored The Taco Cleanse, which is totally just a book and not a cleanse at all. Though not actually a legitimate detox, the cookbook offers a myriad of taco recipes–including breakfast and dessert tacos–so that you could theoretically eat them 24/7. Victoria from Brit + Co committed to a week of taco-exclusive dining and allegedly reached “taco nirvana” and purged her body of unnatural sugars and excess carbs. Amazing. Tequila is officially on-plan, too, so there’s that.

3. The cake cleanse.

When I first heard about this cleanse, I was super excited because I assumed that it was like a juice cleanse, only with cake replacing cold-pressed blends. I was wrong. Can you imagine that, though?! I feel like it would go like this…

M1: Coffee cake.

M2: Chocolate cake.

M3: Carrot cake.

M4: Funfetti.

In reality, though, while you get to eat cake {and gluten-free, cake-like creations} after every meal on the cake cleanse, you’re also expected to eat tiny portions of real food like chicken, avocado, and eggs. It’s more or less a standard healthy diet. The cake part is really just a bonus.

4.  The pizza cleanse.

While you {probably} can’t buy a pre-made pizza cleanse kit, if you’re down to DIY, you can create your own pizza-only detox pretty easily according to Charlotte Palermino. Babygirl knocked out a self-imposed, week-long pizza cleanse and lived to tell the tale...to Cosmopolitan magazine. Did I mention that she also happened to lose 5lbs?! Eating real, actual, restaurant-sourced pizza?! If that isn’t the dream, I don’t know what is. Pass the thin crust.

5. The chocolate cleanse.

Like the aforementioned cake cleanse, the chocolate cleanse does not have participants subsisting on chocolate alone. {In fact, if you want to get REALLY technical, the protocol in question is actually known as “the chocolate DIET“.} It purportedly harnesses the magical powers of cocoa to help get you skinny. Meals are basically normal, but begin and end with a piece of chocolate…70%+ coco dark chocolate to be exact. Since the chocolate allegedly “speeds up your basal metabolic rate while triggering satisfaction signals in your brain,” you’ll allegedly eat less at and between meals and feel awesome.

What’s your ideal food-based cleanse? Would you experiment with any of these?

xx,

Liza

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